My Deep "Why" Feelings

I feel distant
Like something that wants to take over cant
All because I feel this instant void
Something is always missing
I need someone I can confide in
Someone who will hold me with no questions ask
I need someone with the answers of silence
Something that breaches nothing but the cold cloud hovering
I need something that will put my restless soul to sleep
Give me the answer of time and contentment
And not so much the power of worry and fear
I go hard for him because I feel if I don’t I lose
Yet again this feeling plagues me
I have nothing to gain by having this feeling
And yet in this heart I have everything to lose
It is nothing but God or maybe its nothing but the Devil
Or maybe I should stop  blaming everyone
Start blaming myself
It isn’t easy to force myself to love
To know I am needed I can survive knowing my love is false
I can push myself in to things I hate
I can drive myself into his heart and attempt to rent there
Its not easy  being me
I am someone always yearning for something more
But even in my search for that something I get absent minded nothing
It shares no comparison to me
But it is me so I deny it freely
I harden myself so I can never have this feeling again
Can I love from a distance
Yes I can
Can I love continuously
Yes I can
But can I keep this lie inside my heart that I don’t want more
No I can not
I always want more
And him to want more from me
Not just the usual antic but also the abnormal ones
I want him to love constantly
Argue with me
Fight with me
Make up with me
Be strong with me
And be weak with me
Give me confidence
My armor and shield when I need help to fight
Be my lover, my comrade, my beloved soldier for life
But I want all of these things to come naturally
Not to come all because I said so
I want someone to be my equal and yet be my opposite
Why are these things so hard for me to get
Why…..?