Irregular Heart/Love Warning

Saying hello to my past

Trying something old as something new

Bein who I am is now on the line and

I fucked up

I realized mentally I am strong

Physically I am able

But to the one that wrong me

I have no loyalty 

Being able to forgive is easy

Being able to place blame where it is due is easy

Being able to live in my past

Trying ye same situation

Looking or hoping for better results a second go round

Almost seemed impossible

But I say now I have fucked up

I had to look at it from another point of view

But now I know

I'm still no carrying any regret

This is the means of my temperament 

The reason on how I have made it this far

The reason on how I am so cold and yet guy see me as warm

Even I feel I am too grown for my own good

But who ever my husband will be

This is all you need to know about me

Communication saves relationship 

Loyalty is key

And be around me

But since head things are not in effect 

I'm single

And eveything else can be put I rest

Mind Fully Loaded

A battle 

Something to fight for

A goal that carry a meaning

A meaning that is worth while remembering 

But what about the fighter

What is the purpose of fighting when the meaning is lost

The trophy waiting is hollow or crackable

It's a bother to see something so real

But seeing something with so many flaws

Who is the real judge

Hearing the words that makes so much sense

But not having those infront of you

Always seem like a lie is bein presented

It's not easy being on the giving end

And it's not easy being on the receiving end 

But what can someone do about the path that is laid out

Looking for a way out but drawn in

Simple things seem so difficult

But having the difficult look simple makes the world intolerant 

Sometimes I wonder

Is the path chosen for me mine

Or did someone just pass it and said finish my legacy

I can only imagine the answers I could get

Can only imagine 

My Bitter Confession/Recovery

My bitter heart has open

So dark and lifeless

Tears that burn my eyes like acid

Pouring nothing but pain

Clouded by the could have beens

And know I think about him...the one that's away

And the force workings of the one next to me

This is so painful

Seeing nothing but a dark cloud cover my bright light

Tearing up with no reasons to stop

Waiting for the bitter aftermath to pass

But the shining of my past is beaming

I can't stop the reaction being created 

It's hurts to the core

To know I was a fool for a while

What I had gave

What was given

Now I see it's no longer wanted

Someone who is waiting for me

But as I sit and think how my heart is waiting for another

But now I can break what's left of the love

Drowning in sorrow

Painful emotion

Devastated by the horror film of my life

Seeing the roles played by so few

How the love scene never last long

Emotional roller coaster

Can't get off

Bought too many tickets

Taken too many trips

But these tears won't start

And yet they are knocking at my lids door

And the salt waves wants to preceding

But the horror movie isn't a love story

Is filled with the monsters of the past

The demons of the present

And now that there is one has stepped up

He has to know about the love killing children

Heart attack coming stong

Holding my chest with full force

But the tears won't fall

I can't help the stinging I feel brewing around my pupil 

Can't stop sniffing

I'm sorry for the waterfall 

I hate the pattern I've reached in life

So much to deal with but no one to share my pains

No one to hold my tears back

No one to say you can let them fall

Guarded territory only he can break

This is my way of paying for the dirty deeds made

Something to think about before future love children are made

Dying of a broken heart

And now I'm dying of a broken soul

But he said he would heal me

Take the role of Yah and rejuvenate me

This is what he wants for me 

So I must make it over this obstacle

This is not the last of my grave

I dug real deep

So I must pay for every feet

With my ownhands 

I must release all my sorrow

I can't wait til tomorrow

But at midnight let the new begin

Someone that is no longer broken

Dear John Letter

Dear John Doe

We have this special thing going on

We are so empty apart but full together

But the day you left my sight

I found something that didn't seem right

It seem like something that cuts like a knife

But the anger that came wasn't slight

It was drawn from pain of lot ago

But you didn't tell me about this secret foe

Could I be tripping

Maybe it was the wine that day I was sippin

It could even be the way we walk

But the look on your face 

I had to be smart

Maybe I should not have gone that far 

Practicing my snooping skills

Improving my roaming skills

I didn't think something like this was alive

But I guess overtime our time had dried

To the kissing down to the lying 

But this is a letter written to you

Not really saying I'm thru

But letting you know I know the truth

Silly inconviences are not in my path

But the wrong that was done added up like math

So tell me if this is untrue

The hints I stumbled upon was false

That I can blame what I saw on menopause 

Sincerely yours,

 Jane Doe

Losing A Diamond/ Other Stone Problem

His life one to be missed

His passion to grind sometimes never hit

Being in the transition

Being who he is was never easy

The past that haunted him

The future that seems to always dim

Nothing in time seem to fit

Overtime he found a tru friend

Keepin him motivated in life

Tellin him that the past is a lesson

Being that tough diamond

When the rhinestones around him tried to shine

To far this friend

The peace of mind that came

Came slow

The weight of his past was heavy

The weight of tears came Niagara falls

Everyday was a different story

Hints that it was heavens call

But above all as a friend saying its not right

How can you look towards unfamiliar light

Shedding so much every night

Being nothing was not you

If only as a friend I was closer

Sharing the feelings you held

Trying your best to hide them well

But you knew you couldn't hide

So a friend a line was drawn

Promises were made for the future

But to you them seem so unreal

Nothing was becoming a reality

You could find a exit

Outside of a bottle or a bar

But the rhinestones were coming out again

Shining fake light

So coming to your diamond was hard 

Even so much to hide

Living in the past was an escape

But constantly being hurt by the fake

Real seem to harsh

So you decided to take a part

Making a way out for your heart 

Damn rhinestones constantly holding your hand

Had no room for your diamond again

So you thought they have the sense of being rich 

In time you found the worth of certain fish

Found casting your best was the worst 

Gaining nothing giving everything

Rocking your boat 

Tearing the bottom apart over time

Seeing those rhinestones fall off one by one

Trying to recover what was lost

Losing everything to the deep Black Sea

Looking to the shore for the last of your jewelry

Seeing your diamond...waving

Saying the shore is hard to come to

You must fight to plant your feet firmly

But here is where your diamond is waiting

But you took upon yourself to say its too late

That the rhinestones was there thru thick n thin

That the diamond remains so far away

Can't understand the condition created

So you slide off the boat built

Creep into the Black Sea

Leaving your diamond waiting

Thinking the diamond would never understand

But the diamond understood

Losing another diamond is hard

To the heavens that collected another light

Hopefully he is shining bright

Leaving the other stones alone

Shining all on his own

Leaving his diamond on earth

Unfortunately it's not this diamonds first 

But losing this diamond collection hurt

Tears on the surface

New cuts made

But nothing to the original piece now missing

The end.....

Random Heartache Thoughts

Thinking about what could have been

This maybes and could'ves and I silently cry openly

The last bit of feeling for him mis almost thru

Even tho I wanted it to stay so much

Seeing him down

Depressed

Even with someone else is death

But the reasons behind my heartache

The fact that I can't touch him any longer

It hurts but i know the decision made was a must

We didn't do so much to make a difference 

But enough to make memories

I went dumb for the first time

I had him and his dick on my mind

And thru it all I determined that his heart was what I wanted

I was open and ready only to go down yet again

This is hard for me to write let alone say

Maybe it's time I leave this place

Temptation so strong

But I can hold on

Deep breath 

Last look

This is too hard

It's hell getting over what we had done

This is not fun

My sky is empty without my sun

This is draining me 

No matter who i let enter its not the same

The wave i wait for never comes

It's not fair that he doesn't know how concern I am

To thinking I only want him in my bed

But this is nothing short from the truth

Sometimes I feel I have no peace

But it's nothing to him so I stay in my place

Knowing that it has been filled

Maybe it would be easier

But the thought hasnt occurred yet

I feel so drunk off the misery seeing the many faces of dismay

Even asking seems wrong

My thoughts are no longer my own

Picking up the phone is even hard

And I pay that bitch

I wonder finally do I cross his mind

Has he taken me off his list of comfort

Pride

Nothing good comes from it

But it has the power to keep what needs to cherished

This is enough

Time to be verbal

Will You Say That Name

The sounds of the organ play

The cries of the sinful heart

The pain that release from a sorrowful voice

The wrong that is placed

Cries in this place

They call him a savior

A man that paid an ultimate price

To release the tears of the unworthy 

To make a path of unrighteousness 

The proof of the wrong

And power of the voice

The song is sang

The wrong is never made right

The worse of the storm seems to never end

But a light that shines bright seem so out of reach

But there is a name that is said

There is a way to reclaim what is lost

Lifting the music buried inside

Not yet waiting for the beat to be created

The pain that grew over the years

Your name constantly smeared

A name is called in the mist of trouble

It's even said at the clash of lightening and thunder

The hurt that seems to never stop

The back stabbing obstacles that never go away

The rules that life gives weighing you down

Call that name

A name that waits patiently

Ready to shed the burden

Relieve the pain

Overcome the problem

And defeat the pain

So you know that name

If you do call it

If you don't then ask somebody

Ask and see how powerful, compassionate and willing 

All of what calling that name can do

So will you call that name

Or do you feel that name won't help

Call that name and see

See all the love and mercy it can bring

His Song....My Worries

I'm thinking about him

Sometimes everyday

Wondering where he is might change him some kind of way

I can't help but understand but then not fully

Telling myself he'll be ok

Keeping me in mind soon to be newly

Can I see myself going thru his pain

Wondering would he do the same crime against me

I know I shouldn't have doubts but they flood anyway

To many men out here that can relate

But I'm taking my time to see if he is for me

Can't dwell on something that is clearly nothing

Too much has happened over the years

I've progress but always by myself

This is not easy reopening old wombs 

Wondering if I'm placing myself in a permanent tomb

This is something that has crossed my mind

And maybe down the line

He can iron out my silver lining 

And maybe take away some of my what ifs

To the world he'll announce me as God's gift

And maybe just maybe he'll get what he deserves

To love and affection and then me his diamond girl

I can only pray for guidence along this path

Hope the devil doesn't interfere

Trying to get his final laugh

It won't be easy playing this 8-ball game

Breaking every time 

Seeing frame after frame 

Everything will fall as it is planed

I jus need to continue to understand

I have to let that man be a man

Life's Update

Easing my mind for the first time

Not thinking about tomorrow

Sipping on this Shirley Temple

Living life like I'm single

Thanking God for everything

Being open minded

Remaining true to myself

Making the life an example that anything is possible

Life is a bitch but only if you let it

Time is not promised so why not cherish what's in front

My knowledge is great

My heart is big and strong

I am tall as hell

Doesn't mean with height my ego has grown

My birthday is coming up soon

I'll be one year older

Another year of bullshyt

I made thru it

Another year of bullshyt

So many said I wouldn't make it

So many restarts

So many people parted

But the end results is what you see here

Now new plans are forming

New actions are coming

Where some ppl are not ready I took that place

Not afraid to get dirty

Not afraid to run anymore

No longer looking for someone to open opportunity's door

I place my feet on the floor

No longer in the clouds

A woman is what you see

A piece of extended history is what I see in me

So watch me walk

Watch me breathe

Oh one more thing

And supposedly (don't quote me)

I'm getting married....lol

Bad Dream...

Losing myself in a dream

Touching this sky created silver lining seams

Being thrown into the ring

Pushing nothing by knowledge

Feeling the heat from the opposite next

But having the wishes on this dream seems pointless

Regular mentions don't help

Powerful silence don't make it better

The way I look away doesn't help me get wetter

This is a destiny that none like to enjoy

But it's mine and everyday I get annoyed

I get so much and not once did I get a return touch

Maybe I should fuss

Keep goin thru life pressing my luck

Trusting is not the problem

But it seems to be the root of all issues

Not once did I ask for a tissue

But for some reason it's always around me

Kleenex needs to be put to left

But it keeps coming like a bad gift

Shyt this is the shyt I don't like

Random.....

Random Memory....Hot!

Touching him

Remembering my baby as he was

Reaching six levels of pleasure

The breaching pressure

Bring nothing but silence

The shivering body

The quivering lips

The touch becomes addictive

Finger tips going across my face, neck and chest

Sets my body on fire

Fulfilling every part of my desire

Who knew a cold room could get so hot

Just my luck I'm here and he's not

Shucks !! 

Our Friendship

We are friends

Someone who I can keep close

Ask how you doing

Tell you the truth when others won't give you

I can be the wifey undercover

But also be that criminal Col. Mustard

I wouldn't do that to you

I am loyal as any dog

Protect and serve is the world I live in

We in this til I disappear

I can be you best friend with no fear

Slowly be the one to catch your tears

Even when your new chick be tripping

Acting like she can't tell how you feeling

Making your world feel like shyt

Having me come round

Dismissing this bitch

All cus I'm your ride a die bitch

The one who remain classy hood chick

Yea I said

And I hope she heard me

This is the level of our friendship

If she didn't know tell her to visit me

So I school her on how to keep you

Making the rules you followed out by me

Passing you down respect is all you need

None of that extra bullshyt

But anyways....lmao

We cool

I have no beef

We can maintain until I leave

Collect your life and work it out

Your a force to be wrecking with

Trust I know

Now let the world know how you flow

And I'll be behind the curtain

Telling you that everything in life is not for certain

But you working on a purpose

So my dude stay focus

Cus I know fa show you worth it

RNS....

My Sins Confirmed

After the feeling has passed 

Nothing seems to matter

If its meant for me then it will be

But now that the opportunity is gone

I just need to accept the facts

It's over 

He made it real

So why not confirm it

But I had to know

So the rule is dont fall in love if it doesn't feel right 

I am wifey material but not every man wants a wife

So wasting my talents should be a sin

Not having someone to just talk with me

Sin

Not having someone be my rock

Sin

It's my life and not ours

My plans for my future made that clearer than water

Did not include him

I know that now

And yet he still has the power I turn it all around

I will pray he finds his way

I will pray that nothing happens to him

I carry no bad blood against him

So this is it

Life goes on

And yet another chapter of no love and affection 

Damn....

What My Teacher Taught Me

I have done so much to be with him

Made decisions to accommodate us

To make sure seeing me was frequent

Making sure that we would not be apart for long

But we don't communicate long

We dont open up long enough to try

Even though the impression is there

I can't see it

And your not showing it

It's difficult for me to remain

When the love and affection I yearn for is faded

I wont feel jaded 

But I do feel hurt

Ive put in so much work

But no one to discuss the accomplishment with

No one to say its good or bad

No one to commit myself to

No one to hold even for a brief moment

Its the little things

I fell hard for

Long before the big things had time to rise

Long before our first big argument

Long before time space appart

Long before the chance to reconcile 

Long before the incredible make up sex

The little things

The little memories I used to keep

But now they have faded in space between us

Now they have crawled away like a child

We have burned our bridge long before crossing

Couldn't see in the tunnel without light

So the passion we had is gone

The fight to stay has subsided

The reasons to smile and yearn for your touch 

The wait to see you after so many days

The tear I shed was the last piece of emotion

You were no where near to catch

Being justified

Being analogically correct 

Being open has been proven to be nothing

And all I have learned is to remain silent 

Be silent when love comes

Be silent when a touch is felt

Be silent when a conversation has started

Have a look that screams to be voiced

Be silent when your heart is breaking

Be silent when your hungry for it 

This is what I was taught by him

Only speak when you have to 

Only touch when it is allowed

Don't be bold and carry feelings

Cause you don't know if the same affection will be shown 

All this negativity has drained my positivity

Swallowed me like a deep dark black hole 

But all of this can change

All of this can go away

Two options

1.) remain silent until my last day

Or 

2.) speak and let yourself be heard

But what are the chances that option two will be used

So in my lesson I have learned 

Love is not silent

You can not love everyone

Do not give up everything 

Don't do everything and put your whole heart in it

But don't harden your heart

This is just another test 

More will come

But not everyone is ready for the final results

Lesson Learned

All Because of You...Pain

It hurts me deep we couldn't speak

The time that went by you save yourself

You made selfish decisions that only included you

But now you thought the time for me was now

The facts was there and you held it

Maintained your world order

Then you said now you

Seeing me was enough I guess to heal you

But in me leaving you made constitutions 

You wrote rules that applied to you alone

You left me by the waste side hoping I would float

Long enough to wait for you SOS

You gave your heart time to heal 

And thought I was healing along with you 

How naive is this situation you created

How hopeless did you make me

But asked me twice did you miss me

You want to maintain your reality 

But didn't give a damn about how it hurt me

Took care of yourself with the best Medicine

But fed me the wrong prescription 

How does it feel to have something missing

Something you actually wanted to keep

But let time play its game

Now your short one life line

Missing a piece of comfort

Lost without the vital Love and Affection

My pain came from you

Now you know parts of the truth 

How I was close to saying I love you

I no longer hate you 

But the pain is here

Clear as water

Heavy as a ton

I guess without me you continue on with your fun

Memories is all we have

And that's all it is.....Memories

I hate you officially

And now it does matter

Rainy Days.....Sun's Declaration

I feel the rain

The water thats running down the sides of my arm and back

He water that is forcing reality down my throat

To my bones it tries to soak

But to the common placed reality it has no flow

It's a joke

I give so much in the presence and absence

I'm bein used yet again

But I invite

Giving away the talents which should be enjoyed in union

No one again to call my own

Got others wanting the use to be

The great drench in memory

I can keep living off the false hope of satisfaction

My body knows to much truth

To continue to let these lies in

I carry pain in my heart

I keep death sometimes in my soul 

And no one wants to ask me why

But ask for the gates of heaven to be open when requested

It's sad when I can't phone a friend

To find out I gain a enemy

Nameless in a cause

And soon wants me to pause and be acknowledged

I can't continue on in a life like this

Slaving away in no appreciation

Something I swear I don't ask for 

But in my work I pray get what is deserved

Is it now time for me to say no to the ppl of my life

Is it now the personal reasons why I can't sleep

Why my body is no longer mentally feed 

Is this the reason why I am so weak

Can't listen to the man of God preach

Cause my mind is clouded and running so deep 

Can't breathe at the moment so I pause

Waiting for an answer to slap me across my jaw

Can't open a door that remains lock to greater heights 

Keep asking the same questions

Keep fighting the same fight 

To many obstacles

To many inner demons

I have so much to live for

But so many have killed what I have gained

It's time to cut the bullshyt out

Stop saying ill reclaim it

Stop saying ill get to it

Stop saying soon it will happen

As the rain falls out side my window

The rain is also falling on my pillow

As I see it

It's the same inside

But it never ends

The sun has forgotten to come out and shine

It's lost it's memory on drying the land

It looks at the water and feels intimidated 

And says ill come up with a new strategy 

But falls back behind the clouds

Praying for a new opportunity

Doesn't hear the prayers that goes to it

Cause it's worried will it fail

I understand great sun

We have much work to do

So with one issues at a time

We must come from behind our covers and shine

We must have steady hearts and firm hands 

We must be stronger for the land

Cause if we don't it will remain dark

And the rain will never end

I'm tired of new beginnings

It's time to fix this one

This moment

This life

Enough

How do you know when enough is enough

It's happens when all hope for right is gone

It happens when the path of weakness is now profound 

It even happens when a strike is made

And the world still doesn't understand the place that is held

Growing up in a house that sees nothing but hate

Enough

Seeing parents fight without cause or reason 

Enough

Trying so hard to make plans but obstacles are steadily growing

Enough 

This is some to so many that says enough is enough 

So why don't ppl understand its meaning

Why push to great lengths and boundaries 

All because they can

And do not care about the consequences 

So when is enough enough

Action speaks louder than words

Positive and negative 

Only with action can you say enough is enough

What He Wants

We did not say we would get back together

He did not accept me back verbally

We shared an old memory

We put some negative things aside

Tried something that was familiar 

Gave ourselves a way in but not a way out

We make it difficult whenspeak

We make it easier when we are apart

I wonder would he allow me to move on to another

Would he say I can go to whoever I please

Would he let the feeling I have go to someone else

Would he allow me to be filled by another

Would this soothe his life

To see me hung someone else

Would this make him happy

Would this protect his hard life he's accepted

Can this be what he wanted from me

For me

I wonder 

Trusting Actions vs Final Consequence

Sometimes you need real people around you

Always got motha fuckas testifying against you

Saying he did it

I saw with my eyes

Even though they weren't around

Singing jail bird songs starting with the word lie

Got paid for the info with a plea

Saying they can't be touch cause the cops are watching me

Treating these corrupt fools like they were God

And like the faith they hold

They came down and made they body cold

Now the innocence is locked up 

Completely out the way

All so they can push around more weight

Cant tell dealing with the survival of the street

When the street ain't the problem 

It's the fuckin judicial court system

They lock you up

But don't toss the key

But slide it on a 5 to 10, 10 to life key ring

You see

You go away for a very long time

Then you get out and say your making a new way

But the cards has been dealt at minimum wage

And now the family you thought you had to provide

Is being provided by another guy

The husband that you once new

Is sailing the waves with his new boo

But you think the decision you made was helping

But to the average and the famous you just slacking

The wasted piece of talent

Brought nothing but shame

Now you living in the care of a dead world

Can't find diamonds or pearls

In a dark world lined with copper and lead

So in the end you for the money to buy a gun

So you say you can't make in this world then ok

So you lay three rounds in your arm, chest and head

The arm so you can remember the pain

The chest to makes sure no one can resuscitate you again

And the head so everyone can understand

This is not the life of someone who can beginning again

So the moral of this story is simple

Your bad decisions today with fuck you over

Tomorrow 

His Nothing vs My Something

Sway back and forth

Remember in a ways we have nothing done

Doesn't sound like something

But his thoughtless mind makes it effortless

He drove me insane by his nothingness

He catered to my Instruments with prescion 

He covered the bottom of me with tenderness

Passing the time with a teasing effects

Passing the hands God gave to tame a wild horse

Somedays he allows me to run free

Saying small things like have you tried this before 

He has so much to break on me

He doesn't quit until I have reach his level of nothingness

He grabs the something

Squeezes the something and inhale without thought

He drives me to a point of insanity

Craving the gulp

Pressing the mold

Salvage nothing

Uses everything 

What can I do but give what I have up

I can't hold on much longer

He said don't fear me

Hurt the bridges 

Rebuilding the foundation

Carrying everything but a common sense

He destroys everything

He doesn't look for a reason

He came

He did

He stayed

He remade

Now he says I can't to anywhere

To be honest I don't want to

He delievers me

And sends me to a breaking point

I can't hold on much longer

I....I....I.....(no words)

.........the end of me

The Street Wife vs The Incoming

I'm jus a mistress to him you see

His one tru wife her name is streets 

It's not fair how she creeping on my time

Followed by call after call dry ass bad timing

I'm use to him sleeping here with me

Sleeping in the wet like it was meant to be

But when she calls

He is up and out the door

I wonder will I ever see him anymore

It's bad enough I can't defeat family 

Even worse when her ass get the calling 

It's not my place to say baby please stay 

I'm afraid everyday he might lose his way

All because drake came on

Now I hate another artist because of a fucking ringtone 

He ask me why I look the way I do 

It's because it's a repeat of something I already knew

I know my place when she stand her ground 

That was there before me so in her is where he's found

I can't fight who was there before me

I'm jus another chick stepping in another bitches territory

You ask how I feel bout you 

And when I think bout what I have gone thru

I can't even tell you

The love for a thug don't come with happy memories 

Even the one that waste away by a semi or a gauge 

It's bad enough I'm writing all this down

If I say it out loud I jus might drown

Got me shaking like I'm strung on crack 

Missing my drug like a old drug addict 

Someone that makes me feel so good 

Represents hard for his hood

All to some of the rules I understood. 

All the way down to the thief 

Even straight down to honor in death 

It's not fair to look at this bitch so mild

To say over his grave I'm carrying your child

A boy, a girl ....one maybe 2

I'm done... I'm thru

Next episode..............

Inside Truth: Exhausted Lovers

We are angry at each other

We can't keep it civil even in our on home

He is always disappearing

I'm always leaving 

Neither on of us has a clue

I can't have him in my life because of this anger

I feel he shares his love with another

I am finding myself

So why did this happen

I can tell you

We are exhausted lovers

That is all.....

No More Options/Protecting My Innocence

I didn't mean for this to happen

I didn't know the decision I made that day

I mean I had no choice

He didn't give me any more options

It was either him or me

So I chose him

But then in the end he still had me

I wanted to get out

I wanted to be free from all the bullshyt he was creating 

I couldn't escape on my own

He had me cornered

I had to figure something out

By the opportunity I wish was something else

Did it really have to end this way

Did I really have no choice but to do this 

What I was facing was compared to worser action

But everyday was getting harder

Baring innocence in a world of sin

He didn't want nothing else from me

He told me I was nothing but a tool

Something he could only use

I made myself believe something could change

But my eyes were no longer opening

He made sure with my mistakes they stayed closed

I watched my innocence sleep

Prayed to God to deliver me

But in the end the Devil heard me

Sent him again and again to me

Constantly giving me suicidal solutions

But what about my innocence

I could not breathe

I had to leave but not without my one faith

So I made the option possible

I have myself my final out

I finally took him up on his option 

Him or me

No I choose my innocence 

Now all we see is dark deep red

Running thru the pitch black

Free for a while til caught up

But for now I'm just hung up

One less evil

Can you tell me I'm wrong

Tell me on the phone

With my hand on this glass

Tell me I'm wrong for getting rid of his sorry ass

Tell me you wouldn't of took my path 

Until then I'll just laugh

Finish out my time

5 to 10 is not bad

To someone who always raised his hand

Tell me did you find his hands

I have no regrets

All for me and my innocence 

I'm done 

Lover's Blues

He made it a constant reminder that he loved me

The blues came he sworn that it's the right feeling

He said that love was built on strength

Sometimes it's built on power

That both is what was inside him

But everyday I was getting the rural side of it all

I felt that his power was way to strong

That everyday could be my last

Nothing he said was giving me strength

 But he made it clear that his was the only one that matter

That our paths would always stay on course

This was permanent

His made me feel so wrong

Our outlasting times no longer seem forever

The long exhausting days

The constant fights at night

I felt like I was on a battle field 

Setup for failure from the very beginning 

Understood that I had many loses 

It's no fair I had failed attempts in this union 

That his love was not a love I could respond to

That every single moment staying

Was another lock being added

Another key to add to his ring

This ring

That perfect sign for him of ownership

It shouldn't be called a ring but a leash

One that for so long I have nawled on

I want to be free of this

But my opinions are no where needed

So I see I must love

Then in Iwould find away

Back to where my heart can rebuild

But where I do not know

Solemn to an iron fist

Bosses by a how and promise

This is all I can think about

This is my sorrowful life

The life of mo heart

Abandon hope all who enters and do not pray

For this is my reward and curse

To be in a life

Destroyed by my first

God help me

 

Let Freedom Sing

Freedom

Powerful honesty 

The time it took to say yes 

I wanted to hear no

Now I'm free

Free to move and make waves

Open the doors I always thought were locked

Breaking rules that seem so strict

I regain that small part

I feel so free

Open to myself

Playing no game

Bared by the was and could have happen

Resting for the first time 

Feeling the piece

Looking not into the past

But learning that my future has curves

Learning that always with a small reason 

Big outcomes rise

Simplifying me is getting harder

But it's a test I'm not afraid to take 

I have open so much

Watched so much

Prayed

And now the calm has come

My storm has passed

And now I can breathe again 

Singing a small song in my mind

United by the beats in my heart

Always singing a sad love song

Now blasting a sound of retribution 

This is a lovely encounter 

I Am happy with just me

I welcome my contentment

Can you hear it

The sounds of peace 

The Finalist.....It's Over Now

It's said and done

There is no more fun between him and me

There is nothing more than a regular relationship

Working round a empty society 

Now in another number

Missing the real but now like I said

It's said and done

Not trying to go crazy

Not trying to see the light

But watching him from a distance

Got me feeling rage out my mind

Seeing him already smiling

While inside he'll never know apart of me had died

He'll never understand how I went the pain

Sitting in a white room wait for a sign

That the him or her world be fine

Then I hear once again that love created had passed

The same time I left it left

So coming back to a empty life

Waiting to be comfort by somebody with some fight

Only was shot down by the silence

I was in now I'm out

I was whole but now I'm empty twice

Now the purpose I was getting is now missing

But so this other said I'm done seeing the tears flow

Will you come to me and say your ready to go

But I see the next opportunity and see maybe

Wonder how would he feel if  the roles had change

If I took life from him in secret

Took the encounter to my grave

Stayed quiet and didn't speak

Saw nothing but myself and money

Drove myself crazy saying no one loves me

What kinda motha fucka would I be 

Just another average nigga still preaching average nigga shyt 

Now I'm criing 

And bitch you not trying 

All the while I was losing our piece history

You was messing around chasing other mysterys

So I sweat blood

I cried....yea me I cried

The feeling I had has died

And all I can say is

Are you happy now?

Was what you put in your heart worth losing everything in mine?

Can you really forget every single thing we shared?

Can you look me in the eyes and say I was just another phase?

Sad enough I gott that answer today

He said.....he said...(tears)

Yes....(waterfalls)

Our Very First Show

He is fresh

Brand nu

Someone to adjust the hurt bestowed by another

We are trying something different

Listening to the motions 

We learning to be apart but can't help but knock

Singing the songs that our bodies produce

He enters and with little to say

His touch screams so much passion

Slaping his leg every time he is ready

Telling me to have a sit

My own personal Santa

Touching my legs

Caressing me gently

Praising the fact my eyes are mysterious to him

He ask me to stand

Turn around like a model

Tells me to stop

His hands glide down

From the top of my back

To the center

Slowly coming close to the sweets he yearns for 

He shines bright as the moon looks in envy

He touches my hips with a poetic motion

He gives my body a sway 

Like his hands created a beat made just for me

I slowly step forward

Inticed by his gestures he refuses to let me return the favor

So I make a move on my own

Stare at his face that remains level with my waist

I kneel down between his legs and wait until he invites me

I wait for permission to greet him sensibly 

Then he raises my head slightly with his hand

Whispers nothing

His eyes slowly gives me direction

He leans back

Signals to me to come forward 

Like his new found love lost in a land of lust I come

Gliding my hands across his jeans

Closer to his chest 

I smell his colgne

Nostalgic is it to my senses

I want it to rub off all over me

He felt me wanting him

Taking my hands off track any chance he could

Fustrated with his games

I climb on top of him

His hands remain flat

As I sit on top of him I feel it rising

He could not refuse his feeling

He wanted it like I did

I whispered to him I want to do something

Something I have never done before

Something my body could never understand but feel

And his reply 

Til the next episode

Lmao

That Faithful Plea

Do you feel this way

Do think the world is against you

Do you have a feeling that nothing is right 

Even when you know you've been good

Like the devil has a great sense of humor in messing with his former owners child

This is something that plagues my heart mind and body

I find myself drowning in a wealth of despair and no where to cash out

A debt that seems never ending

Some things that has been done by past generations

Now plagues my life today

What am I rambling about today

Life....

Until we are all called home

The life decisions are constantly being made

With and without our permission 

How often do we wish we can turn back the hands of time

How many times the awful happens and we live in regret because of it 

People dwell so much in their past to where the future seems almost now existent

Singing another sad love song

Playing the same play over and over

Seeing the same crime committed over and over

And we stand still like the result will change

But over time we see it and nothing changes

Or the most has happen and slowly we are over whelmed with doubt

That the more we move the more destruction comes

We have the power to change our outcomes

But the more we do and negativity comes we doubt more

Promise broken

Lives torn

And no one will stand and take responsibility 

What can I say to such a cruel world

Hi, my name is ________________

I am here on behalf of faith

Keep me and watch your life change 

Keep me and see the path that you walk change

Keep me and see the enemies that sit at your table stand

I am here for use 

I am here for you as an instrument

Keeping me will be a great treasure 

And honoring me will give you strength

Will you come to me

Will you now accept me

Will you please give me a single try

It is said

Once you have done all you can 

With my help

Stand.......

The Final Chapter.... Heat End

This is forever

This is where we start

Making an option to begin again

We bagan on a stormy night

And we ended on a heated evening

Nothing seem to be correct

But the more silence that nuzzled in

The more we became distant 

I said nothing more than simple greetings

He literally said nothing

We came to a small conclusion

We're to the way we began where nothing was in stone

You didn't know I existed

I thought you were no one to associate with

It became very clear the moves we made

That all of our passion had disappeared 

This is the path that is chosen on purpose 

Or was this by accident

There are so many ways to be sure

But now I must remain where I'm placed

No longer in a heart that at first wanted to house me

No longer being close looking always from a distance

No more this no more that

No more of our competition like ways

This is all in the past

Left to chance of reminiscing memories

The more I think about it the more I no longer wonder about his well being

He must be content with this like I am starting to

We can't make this last

We can't open any more doors

Maybe this is how it is suppose to be

Separate and now totally divided

Interesting how history repeats itself

So to the same results

Back on my grind 

The Hurtful Him

The feeling I thought was gone is still alive

I don't mind the pain

The constant sight

The way things use to be

It's not easy but time will heal

Heal the hurt placed

Give the mind time to release anger

It's not easy to place blame without reason 

It's not easy to say I not will speak

I won't accept him

But over and over I wish he would see me

Fading to nothing by someone who says nothing

It's not fair to go without words

But this is his choice and my forced decision

I've said constantly I hate you 

And now all I can say is I regret you

Someone who can just walk away without a reason

Say there words are real without proof

So I make my own conclusion 

I must leave the hurt at the door

I must return to the life I once knew

Be able to cry the last tears of heartache

It will get easier 

But I must do this

This burning desire for the truth

This nothingness he left behind

This dark whole that grows everyday he is so damn profound I cant live

I feel like crying over someone that verbally said don't go 

But has not spoken a word since then

Tears fall liked a waterfall 

No one to catch them or to say its ok

No words but a stare 

I feel impaired 

Angry doesn't describe how I'm feeling 

And the tears start to fall

All because of my lust over a fallen angel

Promise not kept 

Nothing to hold or stand behind

He said stay so now I must go

No trust

No life

No love

How cruel but he wouldn't be him if he didn't 

Someone that didn't know he had a jewel

But still window shopped

I'm done..........

No One....Alone....The Results

He came like a thief in the night

Thinking the world is against

How he would pray everynight 

But nothing could save him from the truth

It wasn't long that someone came for him

So he told lies and believe that it was truth

He could not escape his past

So he faced and dealt with a heavy heart

Only God can save him but he thought even God had left behind

Like a child innocent he was tortured

He carried a deadly truth

Born of anger

Many did not understand him

So he stayed quiet all alone to his self

Until he met her

She was an angel he felt was sent to protect him

He was happy for days never lonely at night 

Even though everyone he thought was against she showed him the light

The shared night on passion

Days of happiness trust

Until the day she left in a hurry

The reasons why were always blurry 

He thought to himself 

How can an angel leave his side

Leave him in a world of hurt that kept him

So slowly every day he died

Every night he cry

Asking to the father why him

Why must he be in the world hurt

How come he could not be happy

So he died thinking only about the hate of his heart

How she could've gotten away how he thought she was smart

Nothing was real his reality was fake

He placed the gun to his head and say this is for you heavens sake

This is a story by many can relate

How you could trust people who never stay in their place

So we cry and ask God why

Why did this person have to leave me

And still no reply

The end

It Is Finish

Heart Speaks:

Playing the fool is not my best role

And yet it is the one I play often 

How can remove.....

STOP!!!!!!!

Mind Speaks:

It is finish 

The pain your feeling is done

It's time to understanding your nothing to be run from

To run all over

The options are out there

You can and have done better

We need closer

We need to move on

This open wound will heal 

That blank feeling will one day again have meaning 

Is not easy I  kno 

But this is something we both knew was going to happen

You can not put yourself with something that has no bond

It's time to really move on

Be strong and brave 

This is another test 

You know what are you best 

Now it's time to put that S back on your chest

And get out of this mess

Heart Speaks:

But we follow one rule

He must say go

Or in one week we can go 

Mind Speaks:

It's been 1 week.....

We can go

So let go

Moving From Him

I can't sleep 

Not knowing him or if he is ok

He's not spending his time with me

So overtime I will start to fade

The memories that was built will slowly fade

It's not easy sharing too little

Being in this closed area 

Laying in my bed no one to watch sleep

Prayer to God where ever he is it's peacefully 

I can only move on from this

Something that should've ever happen

Not many times Do I wish

I'll keep my head up when he is around

But I wont hug him 

I won't acknowledge his touch 

I must let go or this start to affect me

Only if he would take more time to get to me 

We would be great

Mind To Heart Motivation

I walked away today

I asked him nothing but a question today 

Said to my heart don't be that fool again

We can do better

We can to on without him

So what you see him everyday

Even on some of both off days

But the fact remain your screaming

Your singing tears that does not come from up top

You want the hurt that's there to stop

You want so much of his words to be true

But can't be proven cus he is not next to you

You want to remain patient

You want him to see the Virtue in you

But you know eventually I will step in

You know that your life has a goal

Too much meaning to have one not know that meaning 

Seek and ye shall find

But the seeker is not looking

And you are constantly finding nothing

Nothing to bring your spirit up

Nothing to raise your head when he walks by 

Nothing to say a hug will fix

And nothing to touch when you need a fix

This is well pass lust 

My poor friend you fell in love

But it's time to get back on track

It's time to take the love back

Understand this is not a loss or a huge concern 

This is one of those major lessons you had to learn

Raise your head

It will be ok

The sun still rises and falls just the same

We will get thru the hurt and the pain 

From head to heart we will live again

What Can I Do.......

What must I do to relieve this pain

I feel more anger than anything but my mind is silent 

It's a calm before the storm 

That something that says its wrong to feel this way

But what can I do to be rid of this shyt 

It's official I want to be with him

But I do not want to be with the bullshyt I see

How much would it cost me to actually give into him

At first all I wanted from Him was just a touch

Thinking that everything was lust

But seems the one thing he could not stand I hated 

Promises...

Nothing in this wold is promised 

Maybe the best thing for me to do is leave 

This way he can remain hard for those that know him 

And I can remain focus on life

This on and off shyt is no working

Bad enough we work together 

I have no regrets but when we are outside work its worse 

Grinding....with or without

Feeling him so deep 

Tasting our mix after 

Holding him from behind 

Terrible addiction 

My own personal affliction 

And I wouldn't change it for the world 

But it's not consistent

We are not consistent and it scares me

Dear God what should I do

Don't Ask Me

Don't ask me to be honest 

Don't ask me to make time

Don't ask me if I care

Don't ask me do I love you

Don't ask to share my heart

Don't me to be that ride a die chick 

Don't ask me To be faith

Hold you down when times get rough

To fight beside you when trouble comes

To bail you out with no question ask

To hold you when no one else would

To protect you as you sleep

To peace, safe and serenity

To make time when I know I should be busy

To postpone obligations when I should keep them 

All of this don't ask me when you won't do the same

Real Talk

My Thoughtful Battles

How can you ask me to go there with you 

How can we grow or build when one of us is unsure

It's my life that hardens me

But what holds you back from me

The simple fact that we have something in common

Doesn't compensate for the things we are lacking

His main issue is word is bond 

There is so little I can do but so much I can offer

But what about him

Has he realized I treasure communication

The little things that will have you listening to love songs if missing

The things that some would kill for

And others would almost die to keep

But maybe even now I am asking for too much

Too much too soon?

This is my problem

Once I love I love hard

I watch, pay attention and remember 

Everything a wife should but maybe I should play that girlfriend 

Maybe I should have other options open other than him

Maybe I should have him as main but keep a spare on standby

What kind of person would I be

He wouldn't see me as unloyal if I got caught 

Call my bluff everyday 

Say things to hurt me truthfully

I don't know

Only God knows where this is going

Because I'm clueless

All this headache for a small piece of happiness

The real question...is it worth it 

And can he honestly confirm that it is

Unsure.........

Next Episode.....Funny First

It doesn't matter my position 

All that matters is his decision

I wonder day and night 

Our simple fuss and fights 

Of what we have would last 

And then I turn the channel

To we nothing but weak ass commercials 

It's wrong for me to say to hell with simplicity 

Even God said that life has more meaning

I created you and I create him

I open you up for him 

And he slowly closes old doors for me

Calling me constantly

Seeing the differences 

Nothing is the same

Master plan 

Only he knows

And to to tell me

It's always running trifold 

We not secret lovers

We not companions 

We enjoy the company

We even sometimes enjoy the fight

This is us......we lovin it

New Deep Thoughts....Going Further

Laying down

Listening to 702 Get It Together

Am I prepared to be in a relationship

Is it possible to live my life in a sideline happiness

It's me

All me

And every bit open thought that crosses 

I can't understand my second level of thinking

It is not like it permanently there but he wants to see

He wants to go further

I caught that much

But how can I go that route

I like what we do

Maybe I should let him know I feel

Maybe I should open myself to him

But can he handle the other side of me

The other side that has never been called a girlfriend 

The other side that carries nothing but wife made material

The worries during the day

The one that is open to his past

The one that passes no judgment

What can I say

What can I do

The most I can say is I Hate You too ...lol

MY FUCKING BAD....DAMN MISTAKES

I make myself agreeable but he didn’t think so
I don’t know his issues
I don’t know his problems
I am unsure of is where abouts
And at this point I don’t care
There are ways of communicate
Key word "COMMUNICATING"
I can see myself chasing someone that does not chase in return
But what am I saying we were never an item
Something worth pursuing
Something worth putting my arm around
So why put myself in a position that did not belong to me
I can see myself doing anything that adds him
So I pray he found everything he is looking for
, I hope that all is under control
And I hope whoever is comforting him lets him sleep
It is the little things that make all the difference
But it is not my place to make that happen
He didn’t tell me official that I was the one
The constant "I miss you" and the always "I want you"
Such a lie I believe but it was one I was willing to live with
But now that I know the truth
I can see the new light
Brighter than the one that was being kind of sorta promised
I can live something’s but not all
I can only bite my tongue for oh so long
And I can finally say so long
It was be kind of sorta hard to say bye
But I am not the one to sit and wait for the "I played you" sign to be created
I am a woman....so
I am human
And as a human basic needs need to be met
They were not
And can I blame him
Not rally
Something that was not established cannot cried over
So what am I saying here?
Don’t wear your heart on your sleeve
Never do theses that a wife would do for a nigga that is not promised
And don’t give up anything unless you know that real
And definitely here to stay
REALSHYT

Accountablility....Word Less Him

I can say my actions caught up with me

I can prove that me doing my own thing is obviously wrong

I chose to do me and he decided to leave

Is it his fault?

No

Is it my fault?

Mos def

But in the instance I rather him come to me

I rather him say that he knows my wrong doing

I rather be a man and dis me

Place everything I’ve done on the table

Make me regret ever knowing him

But for someone to leave out without a word

That my role

I disappear without say anything

I go away without a care for the next man

This is what I do

So why is he following after me

Why put feelings spread nicely on the table when I have not

If what you wanted a companion

Then why not make the steps to claim what u want

What wrong with your mouth cause apparently there is nothing wrong with your ears?

So you heard a little truth

You found out something’s

And you want me to be accountable

I’m always accountable

I remain accountable

I’ve weighed my pros and cons long before your two cents were needed

So why place a judgment on me when judging is not what I have done

I’m good

Life goes on

Time will pass

We will part

And all I can say is

Good Morning

The Weak Rule

Monday:
Me: Hey...
Me: Wyd'n?
Me: Busy?
I wonder if he is thinking about me
If he sees the messages I am leaving
Nothing is said and no responses
Maybe it is just me
Maybe I am the one wearing my feelings on my sleeve
Something I said I would never do
Has now come true
Maybe tomorrow

Tuesday:
Call Log: No Missed Calls
Me: how are you?
Me: Busy?
No response
I can't help shake this feeling he has done something
Something that may lead to regret
He is tired but what does that have to do with me
Did my absence bring him further down
Maybe its just his phone is broken
Why cant I come to a single conclusion
Why am I making excuses for him not responding to me
Maybe its because I want him now more than ever
One more day

Wednesday:
Log: No New Messages
Nothing....Nothing
I have heard nothing
Not the sound of his comforting voice
Not that laughter or the stories of his continuous life
Nothing
Now that I have realize this
I can not let this go on
I can not bring myself to a level I have already conquered before
We did somethings
I have no regrets
We made something happen
Like saying fuck you to everyone that asked questions
And now I hear nothing
With no way of knowing
I refuse to allow to enter me yet again
Taking another chance with a man I have not venture
I can drown myself in a pain I have no clue the ending results
Maybe tomorrow will be different....maybe

Thursday:
Log: No New Messages
I'm done
This is my life
There was no us
There was no relationship and yet I feel like that fool
But cant beat something that was never meant to come true
So I guess I'm thru
I want respond if he calls
I wont text back if he text
A face to face is what hew would have to do
All for me to say Got dammit I'm thru
On to the next day
I pray he finds his way
With or without me
He lives his life his way

Friday:
Log: No New Messages
Delete....Delete.....Delete
Another faded away memory
I have no regrets
What can I say

Saturday:
Log: 1 New Message
Me: Hi
New Guy: Hey, wyd'n?
New chapter....new rules
Old memories....now new Dude...lol