Our Broken Relationship

I am not blind at all
I am what I am cause God made me and my mother birth me
I give something that most do not respect or remember
An ear
I wonder to myself daily
I am the one who speaks first and give advice last
I am the one who remembers everything
Even when the other forgets it all
I give myself no credit when the other constantly validates
I see him like a open door
And daily he comes to see me in all my fragile-ness
He welcomes me like the rain to the sea
He devours my words like hunger pains
He opens to me but for a short while
Then closes before anything can go wrong in the house
I pray for him more than for myself
He puts me first sometimes before his self
Open a door to his heart
Giving me his ok that trust is in stored
I can see his smile blossom everyday
But when he hang up
Its his bad dreams and shallow words he must endure
He uses me as a comfort
An escape from all that is dangerous
He worries not but understand danger is lurking
I am his escape when danger knocks on his door
He looks for nothing but love when hate is coming daily
He tells me horrific story sometimes meant to scare me
But I look at him and say tell me your story
I give him my ears so he can vent
I give him the whole in my heart so he can crawl inside
crawling inside so he can be safe
I watch myself daily so not to make a mistake
For if I do it another argument for heaven sake
But we comes to terms that these things must happen
We lash out
We fight
We curse with thought
But in the end
We lay down with ours voices in our ears
Talking that nasty freaky shyt 
Like long awaited make up sex
We say things that can only arouse us
Between the fuck me's and nickname calling
we are slowly becoming a perfect match
In our lives we are not perfect
But in our hearts we are destined
He words, rhymes and thinking
My words, speech and advice giving
We are opposites and yet similar
We are a broken couple
Piecing together what has been broken for years
Constantly battling our worst fears
Consoling each others tears
He is the one one day I'll hold dear
Letting me go is his number one fear
Aren't we pathetic....lol

True Lovers Thoughts

I can not shed tears
I can not cry over spilled milk
I can not place myself on a border that clearly is not for me
I can not spend my time wasted on something is clear to fail
It is nothing but my time
And I need to use it wisely
Nothing is set in stone
He speaks I listen
I speak he rhymes
Its simple how our relationship works
But a friend is what I need
A boyfriend is not
Even now I think about it and I wonder greatly to myself
Is the time spent then worth it
Is the passion that could have been there great
Can the honesty in me be so powerful that it cause he to leave
Where is the love
The answer……not in me
At least not right now
This is how I feel right now
At this moment
At this time
Not more
No less
And yet it disguise my other feelings to damn precisely
Crazy on how I can just go my own way
How my phone rings and I pray that its him
How I worry myself to death if he is ok
And he hasn’t left yet
How I want to be there when he takes his test
How I ant to critic him when others would lie in comfort
Seeing all of this only makes me realize
I am capable of love
I can love at anytime
And when love desires me and not I desire it
Then the world will be told about it
I will tell it like the disciples told about Jesus
They will hear my voice all the way to the roof
And down to the deepest parts of the sea
But for now I am at sea level
Calm mellow and free to move about the country
And until the stability that is needed is pronounced
I am single

TTYL Love, Welcome Grind

It has happen again
I wanted to give my heart fully
But I guess I was too strong
Too blunt
Too damn me
How can this happen yet again
I wonder to myself really if there is something seriously wrong with me
I cant understand why the action that I place is so wrong
How come when I feel I am ready for something it never happens correctly
I feel as if I am drowning in pain again
My heart is shaking
Breaking
Dying
I remember this feeling
The day I cried myself to sleep
The day I said I would never do it again
How can I ever get rid of this pain
I was building myself for him
I was trying to be everything but my way
I guess in the end I was just too much
I’m crying so much in side
My outside still won’t let me show it
My soul is breaking
He has hurt me and now
Now I am a lone yet again
Only time will tell if this is right
I cant face the pain but it seems it has faced me
Blaspheme ins the word single
And yet here I am again
And this is all because he wont answer my call
I wonder if this is what I must endure to have happiness
Must I be broken to say I am happy
Must I be a official house wife to say my life is perfect with someone
Maybe I should be that chick that demands everything
Maybe I should be that gold digging back stabbing fame thirst bitch
But then I would not be me
I would lose the integrity built for so long
So long ago
Making it is what I must do
And making it is what must happen
God will send me my match
The other half of my soul
Days will go by
Time will fly by
Goals will be met
My heart will mend
Someday I will begin again
But it looks like today is not the day
The year of Love and Happiness is Over
Grinding is my number one priority
Welcome Back Grind

All My Wants

When I wake I want to see him

Let him sleep until he wakes up naturally

See his eyes rise like the sun

Let them fall like the hour glass of love and time

I want to see him pick me up with one hand

Grab my ass as I do a hand stand

See his eyes roll in the back of his head

And he feed my addiction while giving him head

I want to open his arms and walk into them

Close them behind me comfort him

I want so much but yet so far away

I wonder will this ever come true

Will his love for me stay?

I can pray all day long to the Lord above

And realize Devil can hear prayers like a song

I want to make him all that is nothing to something

But his everything queen lady woman

I honor his voice, his mind and all of thoughts

But the fact that we are apart makes this hard

His past is strong

The hate back at home is stronger

When he leaves will he be mine no longer

I have his mama number for a reason

For he touches Miami soil will a bullet be there to greet him

I want to make sure she know his final days were great

That he plans to succeed and make her proud

Be great

Nothing in this world means more to me

Then to see him with me

Making a bear that says I love my baby

Memories is all I have

And memories is what scares me

*sigh*.....................I hate my thoughts

Bitter Sweet Death

Death is only the beginning

For something is always the ending or something could have been avoided

But in everything that happens

Reason are never given

And I wonder and fear for the love of my life

I can see myself without this soul mate

He will probably never stand why I am the way I am

He probably will never really grant me full access to his heart

So what do I do?

As a persona he is claiming to be his future wife

To a life that I am not afraid to enter

But to the time we have spent I cherish

But to the days he returns to a life I can not follow it makes me wonder

I have done enough

I can say so much

Do so much

To only visit him to go to his funeral

Something I can say I have not done before

But to my lifelong partner

So to be lover

I cannot see myself losing him like so many others

I struggle with these thoughts of what he tells me

And I can place my heart with something that I permanently

I sit and cry with stinging in my eyes and yet for him tears do not fall

I have never laid a man down

Neither do I crawl in the face of death

But for him I would not rest

Until the ones in cause of his death were laid to rest

But I think about what he would think of me then

Would he be that shadow saying don’t do this for me

Remember all of how precious memories

Don’t do something out of hate

But stay positive and tell your story to anyone who can relate

How many ways I have faced

How many times I said I love you and prayed over their deaths

I am bitter

Something that will never leave me

And something that will constantly be grieve

But for him I will remain as humble as I can be for something tells me

He is the one for me

I just wish with full maturity he could see

That life with him means nothing for me

*sigh*..................here I go again

My Worse Love Thoughts

What can I do about him?

What can I do about me?

Something that is going wrong with right intention

But many consequence and repercussions

I can find the reason why

I can’t understand my pains and distresses

I wonder beyond compare if he is for me

Or will he ever take the time realize I’m here

I try my best to love him....from a distance

I try my best to comfort him....from a distance

Between our past

They are constantly whipping our ass

And I find a way to escape so I turn to him

But I’m dominant

He turns to me but I’m way too stubborn and strong

Even when I talk to him on the phone

I feel all so wrong

And nothing is said but I’m grown

I reveal small things that everyone sees

But to him I want to show him that there is more to me

I can say I love you

But just not right now

I can say I want you but how will these words last

Before he ask me things about my past

How long can he say I love you?

When all I’m thinking about is when my light bill is due

I have truly fallen into a rut of all ruts

I have made it simple to leave but very difficult to stay

I have nothing to say

Not even I’m sorry

It’s a shame how something this racks my brain

How all of this feels the same

How I can vent here but not with him

How I can say the worse things but can’t own it

It’s sad to a small level that this love may not happen

Maybe I am his seasonal girl

That when July comes n goes I will no longer be his sapphire girl

That everything that has been made clear

Will turn into something he fears

I’m placing myself in several different binds

I can’t tell the one I love that he can forever be mine

This is too soon for feelings such as these

Something I said I would never or even need

Poor as my heart I feed here

*sigh* I wish he was here.........