My Bitter Confession/Recovery

My bitter heart has open

So dark and lifeless

Tears that burn my eyes like acid

Pouring nothing but pain

Clouded by the could have beens

And know I think about him...the one that's away

And the force workings of the one next to me

This is so painful

Seeing nothing but a dark cloud cover my bright light

Tearing up with no reasons to stop

Waiting for the bitter aftermath to pass

But the shining of my past is beaming

I can't stop the reaction being created 

It's hurts to the core

To know I was a fool for a while

What I had gave

What was given

Now I see it's no longer wanted

Someone who is waiting for me

But as I sit and think how my heart is waiting for another

But now I can break what's left of the love

Drowning in sorrow

Painful emotion

Devastated by the horror film of my life

Seeing the roles played by so few

How the love scene never last long

Emotional roller coaster

Can't get off

Bought too many tickets

Taken too many trips

But these tears won't start

And yet they are knocking at my lids door

And the salt waves wants to preceding

But the horror movie isn't a love story

Is filled with the monsters of the past

The demons of the present

And now that there is one has stepped up

He has to know about the love killing children

Heart attack coming stong

Holding my chest with full force

But the tears won't fall

I can't help the stinging I feel brewing around my pupil 

Can't stop sniffing

I'm sorry for the waterfall 

I hate the pattern I've reached in life

So much to deal with but no one to share my pains

No one to hold my tears back

No one to say you can let them fall

Guarded territory only he can break

This is my way of paying for the dirty deeds made

Something to think about before future love children are made

Dying of a broken heart

And now I'm dying of a broken soul

But he said he would heal me

Take the role of Yah and rejuvenate me

This is what he wants for me 

So I must make it over this obstacle

This is not the last of my grave

I dug real deep

So I must pay for every feet

With my ownhands 

I must release all my sorrow

I can't wait til tomorrow

But at midnight let the new begin

Someone that is no longer broken

Dear John Letter

Dear John Doe

We have this special thing going on

We are so empty apart but full together

But the day you left my sight

I found something that didn't seem right

It seem like something that cuts like a knife

But the anger that came wasn't slight

It was drawn from pain of lot ago

But you didn't tell me about this secret foe

Could I be tripping

Maybe it was the wine that day I was sippin

It could even be the way we walk

But the look on your face 

I had to be smart

Maybe I should not have gone that far 

Practicing my snooping skills

Improving my roaming skills

I didn't think something like this was alive

But I guess overtime our time had dried

To the kissing down to the lying 

But this is a letter written to you

Not really saying I'm thru

But letting you know I know the truth

Silly inconviences are not in my path

But the wrong that was done added up like math

So tell me if this is untrue

The hints I stumbled upon was false

That I can blame what I saw on menopause 

Sincerely yours,

 Jane Doe

Losing A Diamond/ Other Stone Problem

His life one to be missed

His passion to grind sometimes never hit

Being in the transition

Being who he is was never easy

The past that haunted him

The future that seems to always dim

Nothing in time seem to fit

Overtime he found a tru friend

Keepin him motivated in life

Tellin him that the past is a lesson

Being that tough diamond

When the rhinestones around him tried to shine

To far this friend

The peace of mind that came

Came slow

The weight of his past was heavy

The weight of tears came Niagara falls

Everyday was a different story

Hints that it was heavens call

But above all as a friend saying its not right

How can you look towards unfamiliar light

Shedding so much every night

Being nothing was not you

If only as a friend I was closer

Sharing the feelings you held

Trying your best to hide them well

But you knew you couldn't hide

So a friend a line was drawn

Promises were made for the future

But to you them seem so unreal

Nothing was becoming a reality

You could find a exit

Outside of a bottle or a bar

But the rhinestones were coming out again

Shining fake light

So coming to your diamond was hard 

Even so much to hide

Living in the past was an escape

But constantly being hurt by the fake

Real seem to harsh

So you decided to take a part

Making a way out for your heart 

Damn rhinestones constantly holding your hand

Had no room for your diamond again

So you thought they have the sense of being rich 

In time you found the worth of certain fish

Found casting your best was the worst 

Gaining nothing giving everything

Rocking your boat 

Tearing the bottom apart over time

Seeing those rhinestones fall off one by one

Trying to recover what was lost

Losing everything to the deep Black Sea

Looking to the shore for the last of your jewelry

Seeing your diamond...waving

Saying the shore is hard to come to

You must fight to plant your feet firmly

But here is where your diamond is waiting

But you took upon yourself to say its too late

That the rhinestones was there thru thick n thin

That the diamond remains so far away

Can't understand the condition created

So you slide off the boat built

Creep into the Black Sea

Leaving your diamond waiting

Thinking the diamond would never understand

But the diamond understood

Losing another diamond is hard

To the heavens that collected another light

Hopefully he is shining bright

Leaving the other stones alone

Shining all on his own

Leaving his diamond on earth

Unfortunately it's not this diamonds first 

But losing this diamond collection hurt

Tears on the surface

New cuts made

But nothing to the original piece now missing

The end.....

Random Heartache Thoughts

Thinking about what could have been

This maybes and could'ves and I silently cry openly

The last bit of feeling for him mis almost thru

Even tho I wanted it to stay so much

Seeing him down

Depressed

Even with someone else is death

But the reasons behind my heartache

The fact that I can't touch him any longer

It hurts but i know the decision made was a must

We didn't do so much to make a difference 

But enough to make memories

I went dumb for the first time

I had him and his dick on my mind

And thru it all I determined that his heart was what I wanted

I was open and ready only to go down yet again

This is hard for me to write let alone say

Maybe it's time I leave this place

Temptation so strong

But I can hold on

Deep breath 

Last look

This is too hard

It's hell getting over what we had done

This is not fun

My sky is empty without my sun

This is draining me 

No matter who i let enter its not the same

The wave i wait for never comes

It's not fair that he doesn't know how concern I am

To thinking I only want him in my bed

But this is nothing short from the truth

Sometimes I feel I have no peace

But it's nothing to him so I stay in my place

Knowing that it has been filled

Maybe it would be easier

But the thought hasnt occurred yet

I feel so drunk off the misery seeing the many faces of dismay

Even asking seems wrong

My thoughts are no longer my own

Picking up the phone is even hard

And I pay that bitch

I wonder finally do I cross his mind

Has he taken me off his list of comfort

Pride

Nothing good comes from it

But it has the power to keep what needs to cherished

This is enough

Time to be verbal

Will You Say That Name

The sounds of the organ play

The cries of the sinful heart

The pain that release from a sorrowful voice

The wrong that is placed

Cries in this place

They call him a savior

A man that paid an ultimate price

To release the tears of the unworthy 

To make a path of unrighteousness 

The proof of the wrong

And power of the voice

The song is sang

The wrong is never made right

The worse of the storm seems to never end

But a light that shines bright seem so out of reach

But there is a name that is said

There is a way to reclaim what is lost

Lifting the music buried inside

Not yet waiting for the beat to be created

The pain that grew over the years

Your name constantly smeared

A name is called in the mist of trouble

It's even said at the clash of lightening and thunder

The hurt that seems to never stop

The back stabbing obstacles that never go away

The rules that life gives weighing you down

Call that name

A name that waits patiently

Ready to shed the burden

Relieve the pain

Overcome the problem

And defeat the pain

So you know that name

If you do call it

If you don't then ask somebody

Ask and see how powerful, compassionate and willing 

All of what calling that name can do

So will you call that name

Or do you feel that name won't help

Call that name and see

See all the love and mercy it can bring

His Song....My Worries

I'm thinking about him

Sometimes everyday

Wondering where he is might change him some kind of way

I can't help but understand but then not fully

Telling myself he'll be ok

Keeping me in mind soon to be newly

Can I see myself going thru his pain

Wondering would he do the same crime against me

I know I shouldn't have doubts but they flood anyway

To many men out here that can relate

But I'm taking my time to see if he is for me

Can't dwell on something that is clearly nothing

Too much has happened over the years

I've progress but always by myself

This is not easy reopening old wombs 

Wondering if I'm placing myself in a permanent tomb

This is something that has crossed my mind

And maybe down the line

He can iron out my silver lining 

And maybe take away some of my what ifs

To the world he'll announce me as God's gift

And maybe just maybe he'll get what he deserves

To love and affection and then me his diamond girl

I can only pray for guidence along this path

Hope the devil doesn't interfere

Trying to get his final laugh

It won't be easy playing this 8-ball game

Breaking every time 

Seeing frame after frame 

Everything will fall as it is planed

I jus need to continue to understand

I have to let that man be a man

Life's Update

Easing my mind for the first time

Not thinking about tomorrow

Sipping on this Shirley Temple

Living life like I'm single

Thanking God for everything

Being open minded

Remaining true to myself

Making the life an example that anything is possible

Life is a bitch but only if you let it

Time is not promised so why not cherish what's in front

My knowledge is great

My heart is big and strong

I am tall as hell

Doesn't mean with height my ego has grown

My birthday is coming up soon

I'll be one year older

Another year of bullshyt

I made thru it

Another year of bullshyt

So many said I wouldn't make it

So many restarts

So many people parted

But the end results is what you see here

Now new plans are forming

New actions are coming

Where some ppl are not ready I took that place

Not afraid to get dirty

Not afraid to run anymore

No longer looking for someone to open opportunity's door

I place my feet on the floor

No longer in the clouds

A woman is what you see

A piece of extended history is what I see in me

So watch me walk

Watch me breathe

Oh one more thing

And supposedly (don't quote me)

I'm getting married....lol