A Lonely Christmas...with a Twist

On this Christmas i learned something today
A lesson formed by God to me
Leaving alone is hard to work and sleep
Depresses the hell out of you
The ways of today really do effect the answers of tomorrow
So to understand today was given
The option to be alone is no longer an option
Over time once repeated now repeatedly is true
To say your alone when your not is wrong
Like a prayer not ended my amen
Is like a light blink on God's answering machine
Once given a lesson is give
Be careful what you prayer for
Another saying be careful what you wish for
Both are dangerous at the voice continuously speaks
Both have a way of getting back at you
That name is karma
But why today of all days
Why choose a day of togetherness and family
Loves greatest moment with compassion at its peak
Its simple really...
When your alone laughter doesn't come
When your alone warmth is not present
Having the joy of another is non existent
Alone is defined as by yourself
Also defined as the number 1 singular not plural
Over time this word alone accumulates more
Loneliness, depression, solitude, dark
So even the word such as alone has other players
But these players are the kind to play with
Yet again
Why today of all days to learn such a lesson
Why give such a dark, lonely and depression lesson
Only to show that we all need people
No matter their role, no matter their place
No matter how messy, conceded, self-centered
Even those people are needed
Yes shutting those people out is easy
But over you realize they made you day go by
The little time it took to miss a call
Time it took to hold the phone from your ear
All of this is people right place and their perfect time
Is this preventable...yes
But are they needed...somewhat...yes
So with all of this said how do I feel
With the passing family of 4 and grandpa
Wanted to sell their kids
Telling me that even today is blessed day
Ok...

Before I Let You Go... #BlackStreet feat Dave Hollister

I am thinking about him as I write
I told him I did not want him anymore
I lied a little bit
I miss him for other reason than sex
I miss the laying down
I miss him behind me
I miss him in a way a wife misses her husband
I miss him like a family that watches their son travel overseas
I miss him like a mother missing her son that's at college
I miss him like....indescribable
I miss him is my point
I could say reconcile is easy but its not
I can not do what my past has already taught
I have learned this lesson
To go back and re-do it is wrong
But I miss him
I just want him to lay next to me for a little while and leave
Leave before my heart says stay
Louder than my own voice 
I want him to leave so I can not have the options
The options to relive the pains that brought the break up
I can honestly say that the way I am is clear but a little pleasure is so wrong
I can control myself 
I can go on without this feeling
But as a single woman I do have my moments
I can go back to the weak
The non-feeling
The worthless and orgasm less
But I know what my true sensation feels like
I know what the ways of my inside being turned inside out feels like
I miss that
I miss the taste of him...sweet to the tongue like honey
Parts I greet with open hands, mouth....hmmm legs
I miss him for his compassion towards me
I miss him for the times he stood up for me
Over all I miss him but I know I can not have him
So I keep my heart tamed
I try to keep it contained
Hoping that someone comes around to give me
Give me some of what I have felt from him
From missing to waiting....never ending cycle

Sincerely Yours,

Muse

In Loving Memory

 She is now gone
I can not believe that she left
But she gave a fight that death could not win
But in the end
When God calls you home
He calls with trumpets blazing
I can understand the cycle of life and death
And some ma think that death comes to earl
But when it comes its not a sad occasion
She was a soul that brought joy
She brought the best gossip
Made m mother smile
To the end the remained best friends
Es she gave death a run for his money
She was not the type to stay down for no reason
On the times she was weak she created miracles
On times when was strong she battle storms and won
There is so much that could be said
But her vibe alone spoke out loud
Nothing about her could really be said bad
We all have our ups and downs
So did she
No judgments
No fouls
She did what an one with a life, goals and obstacles had to do
We live to die and only God knows why
While she was on this earth she gave her all to the fullest
She gave God the glory
In silences she prayed for her family
Out loud she called Gods name and gain his attention
Favored by his glory he calls her home
Like a thief in the night he whispered in her ear
And said you have done all you can
You have given what a mother can give to her children
You have given what a best friend could give to her most trusted
Now I call you home to a reward worthy of your statue
She has now gone home to God
I pray that he welcomes you his arms open wide
His heart pouring with sweet happiness
And his mind that never took you away from his thoughts
Shenita you will be missed 12/12-13/2011
You will always be remembered…always…

Life Part 5: The Mature Saga

I trust that I am making the right decisions
Going on my own and doing what I must
But I look back often
I have not understood this path just yet
I can only imagine that I want
I can only think about the angle to which I must sway to
But over time my angle seem so halted
I would look if I had the time to look over my mistakes
But the more I want to do the more I see
 I am nothing more than a chest of questions
Searching everyday for answers
Something that have made me wonder why often
I can only see what is ahead of me
The constant call of wonder is annoying
Why…because I do not have the answers
 I wish I knew what must be done before others ask
Answer questions about myself to strangers is uneasy to me
Taking so much to say no to others 
And yet they often make me feel like I am doing nothing
So when I start to progress they wait for me to say come along
I can’t open every door to see welcoming arms
I can’t say that what I want will be given on the infamous silver platter
I can only see what is in front me
I can only go but what is given and also at times what is taken
I can only imagine yet again what I must do
So when the world wants answer that I don’t have
When the world ask questions I can not answer
All I can say is nothing
Only watch me go through
And yours answer will be shown
Not just told

Sincerely Yours,

Unknown

Life Part 4: The Mature Saga

I miss him
I miss him for all the right and wrong reasons
I can breath when I use to say I could not
I can say so much now when he carried my words with his heart
But now I wondered I could love him again
Could I accept the love past the pain I felt for him
Could I understand the sorrow that pass through me from him
I learn to close my eyes to his pain
But over time I accepted that too
I could not search the waves of his heart
I couldn’t drown myself in his sorrows for his well was too deep
Even too deep for him
I had to be the raft in his ocean
To bring him a shore 
To kiss the brown sand 
To allow him to treasure again the land he left behind
 A voyage he tried to take but was not strong enough
I help in my own way
I presented myself as his personal lighthouse
 I guided him little by little to a path that seemed right
But over time he saw my light has a stay away frame
His mind wouldn’t give him pleasure in my light
So he saw me as dim
His close his doors to the light
Nothing could enter the cabin doors for he sealed them with the pains of concrete
He cover the windows with his sorrows
Blinds to never raise again
So I shined for as long as I could until my light needed to be replaced
To shine bright constantly for a someone is draining
I could not shine anymore
The dust of his back had covered me
I could not take much more of this cloak of darkness
I had to place my light down in the cellar where is heart now resides
All the things that was never said now lives in this basement
Now he comes to dust off the boxes
He wants to reopen what used to be closed
Now he asks….Can I shine once again
Can I bring him back to shores of the brown sands
My reply…is…undetermined

Sincerely Yours,

Can I

Life Part 3: The Mature Saga

Being forgetful of the option I have
I have been told I am who I am because of those round me
Am I really the recreation of those around me
Do I not have a voice of my own
Has my voice been borrowed from those who do not use them anymore
Am I really that individual that has a group mentality
I have not a clue about the way I would have been without people
Can I say that the reason for my attitude came from a woman who had no voice
Could the reason for my laughter came from a man who lost his
Can I say the way I move is from the couple that lost there will to continue
Am I the summary of the people who have entered my life
Then should I no longer say I but they or them
But I realize that I have also been told to do what I must to survive
That I should not run from anything
Take my punishments when they come
If I have been wrong go against it
Lick my wombs and take my victories  as they come
So I say even those I am a combination of so many
I am still in the realm of one
I have worked hard to produce such a realm
I will never forget where I came from
And those that brought me this far
So yes I don’t mind being called the combination of others
In the end they created me
And I am content

Sincerely Yours,

O.P.P. (Other Peoples Personalities)

Life Part 2: The Mature Saga

Returning back to the world I once left
The world of asking and taking
The world of distilled love and bad tasting accidence's
To return back to this is painful and in just
To ruin the heart is to condemn the soul
To pour nothing is to receive everything later to be destroyed
The power that cares nothing for the living love
But hate the cares that it brings
Should I be such a individual
Should I pour nothing to the world and ask for nothing 
Should I give nothing to only receive every bit of pain and anguish
Can I say nothing to life but have everything told to me
Can I be that cold and that heartless
Can those around me see the icy cold blood flow from my veins
Can the claim that they know me with more admiration than me
Can they see that I am now growing into the society brand name
The words they use to clarity and classify the young ladies of today
Can I be considered that brain washed drawn out group lead wonder
That image of personalize death 
With no emotion
No compassion
No regard for the destiny tailored thing called life
I…can not
I cant place my life in the hands of hopeless individuals
I can not see myself falling in line of the dead black and white
I can not see the torn bridges that led some to the depth of their on hell
Its easy for some to say they can go back to the world they once knew
Like a page turned which can be read over again
But the words layed down are forever written in the stars above
The words spoken out in the destitute of this life can no longer be replayed
Reread
Redone
Only the quarters we seep through
Spring, summer, autumn and now winter
To harden the heart to sing a song of death
To greet the cold with open arms
To walk the icy cold ground with frost bitten feet
I can shall not go out like that
I shall remain open to all who deserve me
But close to those on a war path to destroy me
This is my testament open for all to see
My out loud commentary
Open and ready to be judge

Sincerely Yours,

Winter Choices

Life Part 1: The Mature Saga

I feel low in my mind
Down by the shared quake in my body
The knowing which is dawned upon my body is like agony
I shed nothing for ones I said no to
I carry a fire inside my body that craves attention
I tell myself daily I cant go back
I cant defile myself with worthless motions
The mere words of come to me and can I have’s
I yearned for more and rounds continues
I wanted the power drawn for me
I wanted it badly to cover me
Inside myself with no remorse
To ravish my body with more than simplicity
Yes I was a fiend
An addict searching for a score
To drill this craving away was hard
I couldn’t understand why my body could ever be so weak
How the hunger could become so powerful
How the nectar I had wish for someone to drink
For the words spoken could be in vice
I craves a addiction I thought I was over
My mind played a commentary that illustrated a passion
A musical action to a song of powerful string
That did not make sense
I could not image a more horrible fate 
For a chance to be competed against 
Past my hunger
Past my desire to turned inside out
I am what I am with more hunger inside to last more nights
To go all night is something other wish
To stop is something that I wish
I continue until I am finish
But the more I get the more I want
I am never satisfied 
I want more

Sincerely Yours,

Seduc-Hunger

A Real Blog P4

I have been MIA for a while and my reason are pretty easy and clear...I am growing up. It is not easy for me to join the world of oh I hate my job, and misery in the worlds economy but I am in a world of my own or would like to make it my own. I have been told over and over that what is meant for me will be and what is not will not. Can I change this saying...yes I can. I have let so much slip through my fingers and not looking back to see if what I lost could be salvage; silly of me. So I took some time off, time from writing and even time from people. I have come to one conclusion...I needed to grow up and keep moving. No matter who is with me, who is against, or even those who would never be with me. I have to keep moving. Saying that I can sit here and wait for something to happen is really wrong...but doing something is the only way to go. So what am I saying here...its time to leave my childish ways behind and be even more mature in life and my surroundings. As for my writing...now that thought process will remain the same. The time taking off will rejuvenate me, given me more; for others more to read. Call this portion in my life....The Change of Me.

Sincerely Yours,

Editor

Hear My Prayer

I tried my littlest
In you it was not my best
To make a way out of no way
Your name can I call to help with test
I feel weak and low even depressed
I'm seeing a path
But plans I can't grasp
Its not a struggle or a fight really
But its the way the world work which seem so tiring
I can say I can't all day long
I can drive my head into this pillow
Feel ashamed at this failure
What's meant for me will be
For if its not for me then its not meant to be
Can I say more in words
I probably could
But I feel sick to my stomach
Worthless and pointless
I feel defeated with those around me
I feel angry that the realness that I bring is not returned
I ask for help once in lifetime
But asking is nothing when nothing is given when asking
I do ask myself why being a understanding woman
When the blind side is given to me
Why be that woman that get it
When others who know that same keeps it down like a secret
I feel broken sometimes with courage torn away
Like the way I take is so hard to maintain
I want to say I can push on
But the people around me...
It would wrong of me to push everyone away
It would be wrong of me to say
These weak mothafuckers with no backbones
These so called men and women 
These childish people can't stand up for themselves or tell the fucking truth
Can't give a simple why or why not but demand answers
Want a friend of thick and thin capacity
But can't show the same in their on way
I could say all these things as rude, blunt, cold as I am assumed to be
But I don't
So I say please give me strength
Please enlarge my territory
Hold my compassion and faith close to heart
Don't hold back my tears but give them meaning
Not signs of defeat but a signs of trial barring beginnings
I lay all on the alter, down at your feet

In Your Name,

B

Self Entitled.....

Is it right for me to have my walls built so high
Having the opportunity that I have
To bare witness to others when I still in my hole
Can I share what I have been thru with a lover
Or am I waiting for the one I can call my beloved
The word that is use countless in the bible
With such definition I am only in a pause
I can only say to the one that is for me is......yes
I see myself with the man of love and stability
But I am also surrounded by the sex of wearing thin pains
I can honestly say I have cheated my body and treated it less
I can break down to a lover of my past
But to look to my future I wonder was it fair
So I pray not a prayer for companionship but a prayer of time
A prayer of patience
And mainly a prayer of compassion
I can be counted on but who can I count on when I am in need
A service that is in constant repair
So I say time is always on my side 
I am tired of waiting but slowly see why I wait
Why the mere man of today has not interest me
Why the one own by another is intriguing to me
I understand why I am always lusting but not loving
Or even the one being loved
I wait because I have learned that speed is not the answer
That those who have someone constantly search and have found me
And when the lessons is over I move on 
Forgetting the past lovers, past lust
Combine my findings
Discover the  true lover suited for me
So now that my research is compiled
I have open my heart to the worlds new lessons
I have moved to places to give myself a time of study
So now that I have to return back to the area of learning
I can say...no
I am a powerful, strong woman
My weaknesses perfected
I can now hold out longer
And also hold on stronger

Sincerely Yours,

Improved Woman

Are We Friends...

Near or far doesn't matter
The time spent is measure by what is said
The honest opinions are always given
But sign are never really caught....on your part
Every session is a mystery to the true subject
The constant relevance is slow to the point
The ways of asking questions verses the slow to content answers
Nothing is really easy with you
So I wait patiently
But slowly my patience is running out
I can not be the one to pursue another owners property
I can not be the one to draw pleasure from a borrowed toy
So the discussion of friendship is foggy
So to declare me as a friend is not easy nor done
I can not say yes to your gesture
No I can not say the walls built are being knock down
The force you have is not enough for me
The concrete you have holds nothing
Only shows you fall under bad contracting
So what can I say about our so called friendship
Inconclusive...

Sincerely Yours,

Questionable Friendships

Joint Testimony

These are the days of our lives
This is a lines that is said often
I can imagine how I sit and look
For a answer that is less defined
I've broken my heart several times
To worldly men designs
To a father that is never there
And men with no self respect
To say I am confined to this superficial world
I can say that I am alone once again
To people who see me as nothing
To the family that slaps my name
Burial rights performed to me not
To have something so ritualistic would seem to be right
But I lay here in nothing
But soil in the dark side of a yard
What am I to saying people who read this
What could they get from this as they scroll down
To surround yourself with lies and plagued love
That there is something else that can be found
We who see this are not things
We are more than just a curse
We can come together and rise
Instead of rising to God by the hands of devils
We all have demons that plague our souls
We have things that keeps us from becoming whole
Not everything that have been torn from our bodies
Have stripped away our faith keeping souls
So I say lets come together
Lets make a way
Let show those that are just like us
That we can rise on this day

Sincerely Yours,

Way Makers

The Child Next Door

I hear them every night
Saying things that's not suppose to be said
The words that come and go
Nothing ever is the same
Sounds get louder
Noises arise
Now I can't sleep at night
I have dreams of peace in the walls
I dreams of things that could be present love
But all I hear is the noises next door
I wonder how others make it
I wonder how they last so long
But when I hear the voices
The make me wonder why Lord
So I sit here in my corner
The room that was made for me
As I listen to music to drown out the noises
Sometimes I think its over me
I can't help but wonder why they get louder
Why things hit the floor constantly
Why every time I see one leave
And another always crying
So I say if this is because of me
Then why not leave
Why not see if peace will come without me
But I look at the door
The door next to my door
I open it
I pray for voices to cease
I pray that the door was greeting
I open the door only to see daddy hit mommy
Is this really about me
Is this door next to mine about me
I'm only a child and this is what I see
Maybe they will come together better without me
So I'll close my eyes
Say a prayer
That the door next to mine
Finds peace with one less person here

Sincerely Yours,

ICU

Past Calling

I see a past rising
I can not indulge in my past
Endure my past
Tease my past
The past is the past
So why is it hard for me to leave the past alone
Are the lessons that I learned not enough
Do I really need to involve myself in the past and bring into my present
Or should I be aware of the outcomes that the future maybe bring because of my past
I try my best to maintain a future like life
But over time the past comes with words of agitation
Even sometimes remembers me of the things I use to do
Even the things I could never exscape from
But I give myself a way out
A chance to begin again
Even if the consequences seem permanent
I try to over come and move on
But slowly like a future like warning my past says I see you
It gives me signs of wrecking and short comings
It gives the illusion that nothing is without a price
All will be paid in full before success comes
I can only image how to reveal a true path
So how many buts can I say before a honest answer can be determined
How many why typed questions can ride before anything can be given
I am not sure
My road is not fully shown
So I say to my past yes you are a mystery to me
Yes you continue to atonish me every single time
But from Maya Angelou
Still I rise

Sincerely Yours,

Late Reminders

Ideal Man

What do I want right now
I want a man.....
Can you tell where I am going with this
Well...let me stop you right there
I don't want just any man which in this world
Not any man want any woman
To be clear of a clear cut decision
I must look back at the road
I must look at every single collision
Its not easy to say I want a man
But to say I want a great man is pushing it
Here is why
I am a person who is hard to please
But to a man who has a plan
I am the greatest of test to fulfill every need
To say I want a man of greatness
I must place my self at a great level
I am not the type that meet others level
I set levels that catch men of similar ways or bigger columns
Can a man come to me with a word or a sentence
Can he open his mouth with the sweet words of love and contentment
Can I see him for who he is and not what the world modeled his idea to be
Can I sit in his presence
Breathe his air
Get high from him
And float into the air dreaming of roses and daisy
Through this can I say I am asking for too much
I can honestly say HELL NO
But I am unusual in who I choose as a partner
So....agree or disagree
Can the ideal man be achieve
Or
Do us as women want to be considered the achievement

Sincerely Yours,

Comment

Agree Or Disagree

Does it matter what I do
I am open with my sexuality when those around me are closed
I cant hide what I like
Put a lid on the things that makes me happy
Its easy for someone to agree with the opposite sex
Only to make sure a argument doesn't rise
I feel that society would have a new open mind
To the world Bill Clinton's I feel everything would be just fine
Yes I said it, don't judge me
But think about decision made
All because he had a special maid
Funny I'm sure but real as can be
Its not easy understanding life without love
So why hide what can be the best thing in your life
Suppress the ways of love to satisfy the plagues of life
So I ask in this short discussion of decision and lies
Can one person hide what makes them alive?

Sincerely Yours,

One-Sided

Sick Speaking

Fighting everyday
Seeking the truth every night
I feel sick to my stomach
I feel drained in every way
I push for so much yet nothing is given
I feel like my life is stretching
A headache that never goes away
I draw my pictures of futuristic ideas
But to see them ripped in front me is devastating
Pressure in my face, chest and hands
Waiting no more for another to seek me
Waiting no more for another to treat me
Treat me how I already know I should be
To be indfferent is not beneath me
But to have someone judge me based on negativity
I feel this is not the real me
I can pray to God every day
Ask him to take my pain away
Ask him to give me strength as I go thru life
To prepare me in his santuary
Honor myself  but many call it conceeded
I wonder who feels my pain
The edges of my sorrow
The powerful meaning of my words
Don't you wish things would end
Only for something way out to begin again
Watery eyes and chilly soul
End this with...HHHAAAACHHHOOO
I have a cold

Sincerely Yours,

Common

As She Reads...Dedicated to Anne

Giving whats due is not the manner here
To express your self is clearly the fear
Nothing wrong with saying shyt that seem unfair
But hearing the truth...I guess some of you can bare

As she reads...


She is looks into a hour glass of dips and curves
Nothing worse than something that you have to always turn
To understand the mind of the reader
You must understand your first a writer
As she reads...she also writes
Freedom of speech
She favors me
Like God favours all his children on earth
Minus-ing from all the hurt, pain wars and selfless worth
Its not easy to vent to the world 
To ears that won't listen
To put a light on the truth
Is announcing to the world your a protesting activist
I can't see myslef bottling my words
Feeling everything 
Piercing my heart
Like a drill spinning a screw in
I'm not finish


As she reads...


Its hard to speak words when people tell you its not ok
Like everyday speaking is a devil created remix
Like truth is something that should never be told
Like a preacher in the pulpit is the only speaker of the word
There are people like you
Who say its ok speak up and make away
Not to place under a thumb like a upcoming five year old
Or like the president who sits his ass down, does what he's told
I say things that may hurt feelings 
But unlike so many I regret nothing


But as she reads...


She speaks the truth to me
Wisdom passes from one to another
I can honestly say she is my number one supporter
I can't hide my words at all when it come to she
I swear if I don't write like her kids before she might spank me
I'm just kidding
Either way I got to say thanx
My constant rants now have a place
Its a choice to read 
But every word comes from the top of my  head
So everyday your getting me
Pure top quality
So I end this by saying thanx
She keep me motivated and uncanny
What more can I say but thank you Anne

Sincerely Yours,

Alley