Life Part 5: The Mature Saga

I trust that I am making the right decisions
Going on my own and doing what I must
But I look back often
I have not understood this path just yet
I can only imagine that I want
I can only think about the angle to which I must sway to
But over time my angle seem so halted
I would look if I had the time to look over my mistakes
But the more I want to do the more I see
 I am nothing more than a chest of questions
Searching everyday for answers
Something that have made me wonder why often
I can only see what is ahead of me
The constant call of wonder is annoying
Why…because I do not have the answers
 I wish I knew what must be done before others ask
Answer questions about myself to strangers is uneasy to me
Taking so much to say no to others 
And yet they often make me feel like I am doing nothing
So when I start to progress they wait for me to say come along
I can’t open every door to see welcoming arms
I can’t say that what I want will be given on the infamous silver platter
I can only see what is in front me
I can only go but what is given and also at times what is taken
I can only imagine yet again what I must do
So when the world wants answer that I don’t have
When the world ask questions I can not answer
All I can say is nothing
Only watch me go through
And yours answer will be shown
Not just told

Sincerely Yours,

Unknown

Life Part 4: The Mature Saga

I miss him
I miss him for all the right and wrong reasons
I can breath when I use to say I could not
I can say so much now when he carried my words with his heart
But now I wondered I could love him again
Could I accept the love past the pain I felt for him
Could I understand the sorrow that pass through me from him
I learn to close my eyes to his pain
But over time I accepted that too
I could not search the waves of his heart
I couldn’t drown myself in his sorrows for his well was too deep
Even too deep for him
I had to be the raft in his ocean
To bring him a shore 
To kiss the brown sand 
To allow him to treasure again the land he left behind
 A voyage he tried to take but was not strong enough
I help in my own way
I presented myself as his personal lighthouse
 I guided him little by little to a path that seemed right
But over time he saw my light has a stay away frame
His mind wouldn’t give him pleasure in my light
So he saw me as dim
His close his doors to the light
Nothing could enter the cabin doors for he sealed them with the pains of concrete
He cover the windows with his sorrows
Blinds to never raise again
So I shined for as long as I could until my light needed to be replaced
To shine bright constantly for a someone is draining
I could not shine anymore
The dust of his back had covered me
I could not take much more of this cloak of darkness
I had to place my light down in the cellar where is heart now resides
All the things that was never said now lives in this basement
Now he comes to dust off the boxes
He wants to reopen what used to be closed
Now he asks….Can I shine once again
Can I bring him back to shores of the brown sands
My reply…is…undetermined

Sincerely Yours,

Can I

Life Part 3: The Mature Saga

Being forgetful of the option I have
I have been told I am who I am because of those round me
Am I really the recreation of those around me
Do I not have a voice of my own
Has my voice been borrowed from those who do not use them anymore
Am I really that individual that has a group mentality
I have not a clue about the way I would have been without people
Can I say that the reason for my attitude came from a woman who had no voice
Could the reason for my laughter came from a man who lost his
Can I say the way I move is from the couple that lost there will to continue
Am I the summary of the people who have entered my life
Then should I no longer say I but they or them
But I realize that I have also been told to do what I must to survive
That I should not run from anything
Take my punishments when they come
If I have been wrong go against it
Lick my wombs and take my victories  as they come
So I say even those I am a combination of so many
I am still in the realm of one
I have worked hard to produce such a realm
I will never forget where I came from
And those that brought me this far
So yes I don’t mind being called the combination of others
In the end they created me
And I am content

Sincerely Yours,

O.P.P. (Other Peoples Personalities)

Life Part 2: The Mature Saga

Returning back to the world I once left
The world of asking and taking
The world of distilled love and bad tasting accidence's
To return back to this is painful and in just
To ruin the heart is to condemn the soul
To pour nothing is to receive everything later to be destroyed
The power that cares nothing for the living love
But hate the cares that it brings
Should I be such a individual
Should I pour nothing to the world and ask for nothing 
Should I give nothing to only receive every bit of pain and anguish
Can I say nothing to life but have everything told to me
Can I be that cold and that heartless
Can those around me see the icy cold blood flow from my veins
Can the claim that they know me with more admiration than me
Can they see that I am now growing into the society brand name
The words they use to clarity and classify the young ladies of today
Can I be considered that brain washed drawn out group lead wonder
That image of personalize death 
With no emotion
No compassion
No regard for the destiny tailored thing called life
I…can not
I cant place my life in the hands of hopeless individuals
I can not see myself falling in line of the dead black and white
I can not see the torn bridges that led some to the depth of their on hell
Its easy for some to say they can go back to the world they once knew
Like a page turned which can be read over again
But the words layed down are forever written in the stars above
The words spoken out in the destitute of this life can no longer be replayed
Reread
Redone
Only the quarters we seep through
Spring, summer, autumn and now winter
To harden the heart to sing a song of death
To greet the cold with open arms
To walk the icy cold ground with frost bitten feet
I can shall not go out like that
I shall remain open to all who deserve me
But close to those on a war path to destroy me
This is my testament open for all to see
My out loud commentary
Open and ready to be judge

Sincerely Yours,

Winter Choices

Life Part 1: The Mature Saga

I feel low in my mind
Down by the shared quake in my body
The knowing which is dawned upon my body is like agony
I shed nothing for ones I said no to
I carry a fire inside my body that craves attention
I tell myself daily I cant go back
I cant defile myself with worthless motions
The mere words of come to me and can I have’s
I yearned for more and rounds continues
I wanted the power drawn for me
I wanted it badly to cover me
Inside myself with no remorse
To ravish my body with more than simplicity
Yes I was a fiend
An addict searching for a score
To drill this craving away was hard
I couldn’t understand why my body could ever be so weak
How the hunger could become so powerful
How the nectar I had wish for someone to drink
For the words spoken could be in vice
I craves a addiction I thought I was over
My mind played a commentary that illustrated a passion
A musical action to a song of powerful string
That did not make sense
I could not image a more horrible fate 
For a chance to be competed against 
Past my hunger
Past my desire to turned inside out
I am what I am with more hunger inside to last more nights
To go all night is something other wish
To stop is something that I wish
I continue until I am finish
But the more I get the more I want
I am never satisfied 
I want more

Sincerely Yours,

Seduc-Hunger

A Real Blog P4

I have been MIA for a while and my reason are pretty easy and clear...I am growing up. It is not easy for me to join the world of oh I hate my job, and misery in the worlds economy but I am in a world of my own or would like to make it my own. I have been told over and over that what is meant for me will be and what is not will not. Can I change this saying...yes I can. I have let so much slip through my fingers and not looking back to see if what I lost could be salvage; silly of me. So I took some time off, time from writing and even time from people. I have come to one conclusion...I needed to grow up and keep moving. No matter who is with me, who is against, or even those who would never be with me. I have to keep moving. Saying that I can sit here and wait for something to happen is really wrong...but doing something is the only way to go. So what am I saying here...its time to leave my childish ways behind and be even more mature in life and my surroundings. As for my writing...now that thought process will remain the same. The time taking off will rejuvenate me, given me more; for others more to read. Call this portion in my life....The Change of Me.

Sincerely Yours,

Editor

Hear My Prayer

I tried my littlest
In you it was not my best
To make a way out of no way
Your name can I call to help with test
I feel weak and low even depressed
I'm seeing a path
But plans I can't grasp
Its not a struggle or a fight really
But its the way the world work which seem so tiring
I can say I can't all day long
I can drive my head into this pillow
Feel ashamed at this failure
What's meant for me will be
For if its not for me then its not meant to be
Can I say more in words
I probably could
But I feel sick to my stomach
Worthless and pointless
I feel defeated with those around me
I feel angry that the realness that I bring is not returned
I ask for help once in lifetime
But asking is nothing when nothing is given when asking
I do ask myself why being a understanding woman
When the blind side is given to me
Why be that woman that get it
When others who know that same keeps it down like a secret
I feel broken sometimes with courage torn away
Like the way I take is so hard to maintain
I want to say I can push on
But the people around me...
It would wrong of me to push everyone away
It would be wrong of me to say
These weak mothafuckers with no backbones
These so called men and women 
These childish people can't stand up for themselves or tell the fucking truth
Can't give a simple why or why not but demand answers
Want a friend of thick and thin capacity
But can't show the same in their on way
I could say all these things as rude, blunt, cold as I am assumed to be
But I don't
So I say please give me strength
Please enlarge my territory
Hold my compassion and faith close to heart
Don't hold back my tears but give them meaning
Not signs of defeat but a signs of trial barring beginnings
I lay all on the alter, down at your feet

In Your Name,

B

Self Entitled.....

Is it right for me to have my walls built so high
Having the opportunity that I have
To bare witness to others when I still in my hole
Can I share what I have been thru with a lover
Or am I waiting for the one I can call my beloved
The word that is use countless in the bible
With such definition I am only in a pause
I can only say to the one that is for me is......yes
I see myself with the man of love and stability
But I am also surrounded by the sex of wearing thin pains
I can honestly say I have cheated my body and treated it less
I can break down to a lover of my past
But to look to my future I wonder was it fair
So I pray not a prayer for companionship but a prayer of time
A prayer of patience
And mainly a prayer of compassion
I can be counted on but who can I count on when I am in need
A service that is in constant repair
So I say time is always on my side 
I am tired of waiting but slowly see why I wait
Why the mere man of today has not interest me
Why the one own by another is intriguing to me
I understand why I am always lusting but not loving
Or even the one being loved
I wait because I have learned that speed is not the answer
That those who have someone constantly search and have found me
And when the lessons is over I move on 
Forgetting the past lovers, past lust
Combine my findings
Discover the  true lover suited for me
So now that my research is compiled
I have open my heart to the worlds new lessons
I have moved to places to give myself a time of study
So now that I have to return back to the area of learning
I can say...no
I am a powerful, strong woman
My weaknesses perfected
I can now hold out longer
And also hold on stronger

Sincerely Yours,

Improved Woman

Are We Friends...

Near or far doesn't matter
The time spent is measure by what is said
The honest opinions are always given
But sign are never really caught....on your part
Every session is a mystery to the true subject
The constant relevance is slow to the point
The ways of asking questions verses the slow to content answers
Nothing is really easy with you
So I wait patiently
But slowly my patience is running out
I can not be the one to pursue another owners property
I can not be the one to draw pleasure from a borrowed toy
So the discussion of friendship is foggy
So to declare me as a friend is not easy nor done
I can not say yes to your gesture
No I can not say the walls built are being knock down
The force you have is not enough for me
The concrete you have holds nothing
Only shows you fall under bad contracting
So what can I say about our so called friendship
Inconclusive...

Sincerely Yours,

Questionable Friendships