Clearing My Thoughts Pt. 1

Been so long since I cleared my heart

In the mist of growing into my future

I have a man now

But I can't tell if he has a woman

I can't understand my stalls in life now

It hurts to the form of tears

I look around at others and ask myself why

I can never see myself progressing

I could never understand my life's hold ups

I am afraid of losing my self in the world

But I have been worldly for so long

I can't recognize anything with my mind

But ask me to see with my heart and I laugh briefly 

I am bitter 

I am a hoe

I am a mistress, future wife, wifey and girlfriend into one

I've played these roles to a T

But it's time to choose one 

But for some reason my future husband wants them all

But only if he knew how I gained each one

He wouldn't want them all

I am too raw even for my own good

I have grown up way too early

And yet the stresses of my life is not seen in my face

But comes out in my tears every time after each event

I've used, been used and continue this in my bubble

I over analyze to get by

I stay direct to maintain my plateau 

I know what it feels like to be lower than the devils pit

But can't see heaven when all goes right 

I've lost so much

And still can't see myself in devotion 

I've been broken in private

Like stone in public

I don't know the meaning of sensitivity

So many built bridges

So much trash to clean up

The amount of knowledge held inside me

At no point should ever be released 

I am my greatest enemy

My future husband thinks we are a like

But only if he knew I am 10x worse

I am the roughest cut diamond this world will ever see

I think everyone should pray that there is not another like me

Pray long and hard

Cus when it's my time to go home

The devil will greet me with open arms

Place me on his left hand side

Cus if he places me on his right 

He will fear that I am his replacement 

Honesty at it's worse